I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
