I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
