She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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