Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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