my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
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He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
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It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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