So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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