she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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