so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
