I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
