So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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