wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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