Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He felt like a one man threesome
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
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