just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
