at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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