I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
