soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
