You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
