Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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