Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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