Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
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I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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