shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
