I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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