the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
