if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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