I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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