I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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