You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
