I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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