Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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