all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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