Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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