Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
