mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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