Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
