you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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