My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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