feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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