he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
