I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
