My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
