I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
