there's paper in my vomit.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
