dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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