so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I would ride that face into the sunset
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
