Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
