You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
