Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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