I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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