Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
