I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
