LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
