I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
