wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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