the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
