I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
40s are totally the cure
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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