i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Four minutes until I can fart!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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