Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
