I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
