I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
